When you wake I will be gone. The breeze will loose me.
It will take me from our sleep, part us for the last time and carry me away.
In its cold embrace I will fade like the morning mist as the day and the sun bring new life for you.
Showing posts with label panic attack. Show all posts
Showing posts with label panic attack. Show all posts
Monday, June 7, 2010
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
My expecations
They are so many - and clearly my hopes too.
Hope springs eternal and is the source that flavours so much of my sadness. Hope, that spring of fresh glistening life that trickles away and leaves just so much mud.
Up on my heels - an anchor for strength. Strength needs hope and hope springs eternal and is the source that flavours so much of my sadness.
Mud and more sucking mud - but hope springs eternal, it is a stuck record, hope, hope, hope... without it there is nothing but all it brings is hope that springs eternal and flavours so much of my sadness.
Take a joy - watch it bloom in a milk-bottle filled with water - a full bottle will still be nearly full long after the joy is gone.
So - take this hand, please - oh, you have gone.. false expectations, I should know better but at least there is hope.
Hope springs eternal and is the source that flavours so much of my sadness. Hope, that spring of fresh glistening life that trickles away and leaves just so much mud.
Up on my heels - an anchor for strength. Strength needs hope and hope springs eternal and is the source that flavours so much of my sadness.
Mud and more sucking mud - but hope springs eternal, it is a stuck record, hope, hope, hope... without it there is nothing but all it brings is hope that springs eternal and flavours so much of my sadness.
Take a joy - watch it bloom in a milk-bottle filled with water - a full bottle will still be nearly full long after the joy is gone.
So - take this hand, please - oh, you have gone.. false expectations, I should know better but at least there is hope.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Panic, Wales and Driving
I was pleased with myself this week. I managed to drive to Wales (about 280 miles from where I live) without having a major panic attack while driving. Felt a bit odd at times but nothing big or heartstoppingly terrifying!
This marks quiet an improvement since starting on the citrolopram. Before taking it I had to take several propanadol (beta-blokers) to be able to drive at all - and, if you have taken them you will know that staying awake after just 2 40mg propanadol is pretty hard going.... so not the best way to be when driving.
Wales is splendidly beutiful - rocks and rivers, waterfalls and flowers. Children loved it. My partner's mother's cooking is unusual; but we were blessed, she did not cook. In a way though I miss the looks we have to exchange while lifting a fork of indescribably, indescribable, stuff (the like of which I cannot describe) to our mouths.... hoping that we can wash it down quickly enough with harsh red wine that it does not leave a taste, of any sort, to linger.
I returned to work today. Got in late. Decided to have longer in bed and to see the children before heading in. It had clearly been a bad idea to go on leave.
All sorts of mad panic was happening - three different sets of people all demanding immediate briefing for the top boss all at the same time. One of them had asked for a "detailed" briefing on all of the points that he might need to cover in a particularly difficult meeting. I had prepared something that I considered covered all the points at a reasonible level of detail - 4 sides of type covering issues that had been in the press, legal action against us, legal duties, postive points to say etc. Today, I was asked to cut this to less than a single sheet of paper and to do so by 12 - it was 11:50.
Just 2 days out of the office and 300 e-mails sitting there - not one single one junk as my filters work very well - just 6 saying that I had urgent voicemail messages. These all turned out to be people who had seen my "out of office" message on my e-mail and who had decided that I would be more "in the office" if they called and left a phone message and that this would make it more likely that I would respond.
Oddly, only one person decided to call me on my mobile while I was on leave. To ask the exact date by which we were due to hit a target that we have not a hope in hell of meeting within 10 years of the date..... I could not remember if it was 31 March 08 or 1 April 08 and pointed out the "not a hope in hell" factor and said that it did not matter much either way - this was said to be unprofessional.
And, I am pleased to say that all of this only left me minorly angry and irritated. I think that a few weeks ago all of this - and these are only the highlights of the day - might have been enough to send me spinning into a right mess....
So, the pills are working - hooobloodyray.
This marks quiet an improvement since starting on the citrolopram. Before taking it I had to take several propanadol (beta-blokers) to be able to drive at all - and, if you have taken them you will know that staying awake after just 2 40mg propanadol is pretty hard going.... so not the best way to be when driving.
Wales is splendidly beutiful - rocks and rivers, waterfalls and flowers. Children loved it. My partner's mother's cooking is unusual; but we were blessed, she did not cook. In a way though I miss the looks we have to exchange while lifting a fork of indescribably, indescribable, stuff (the like of which I cannot describe) to our mouths.... hoping that we can wash it down quickly enough with harsh red wine that it does not leave a taste, of any sort, to linger.
I returned to work today. Got in late. Decided to have longer in bed and to see the children before heading in. It had clearly been a bad idea to go on leave.
All sorts of mad panic was happening - three different sets of people all demanding immediate briefing for the top boss all at the same time. One of them had asked for a "detailed" briefing on all of the points that he might need to cover in a particularly difficult meeting. I had prepared something that I considered covered all the points at a reasonible level of detail - 4 sides of type covering issues that had been in the press, legal action against us, legal duties, postive points to say etc. Today, I was asked to cut this to less than a single sheet of paper and to do so by 12 - it was 11:50.
Just 2 days out of the office and 300 e-mails sitting there - not one single one junk as my filters work very well - just 6 saying that I had urgent voicemail messages. These all turned out to be people who had seen my "out of office" message on my e-mail and who had decided that I would be more "in the office" if they called and left a phone message and that this would make it more likely that I would respond.
Oddly, only one person decided to call me on my mobile while I was on leave. To ask the exact date by which we were due to hit a target that we have not a hope in hell of meeting within 10 years of the date..... I could not remember if it was 31 March 08 or 1 April 08 and pointed out the "not a hope in hell" factor and said that it did not matter much either way - this was said to be unprofessional.
And, I am pleased to say that all of this only left me minorly angry and irritated. I think that a few weeks ago all of this - and these are only the highlights of the day - might have been enough to send me spinning into a right mess....
So, the pills are working - hooobloodyray.
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