After all this time and the blips in between

I learn new things all the time - mostly things that I have known for ages.

I know them, and they are wise. But I keep that wisdom in the back of my mind until just after the point when it would have been useful to have used it... I must remember that fact and try to use it in advance of its need...

Friendship, time keeping, love and lust, acute depression and indecision are all things that I have learnt things about these last few weeks.

They are all interconnected -obviously I would not seek to impose clarity by dealing with them one-by-one.

So, first one first - acute depression. I've had a bit of it recently; different to the chronic depression that slips in and out like dead bunny on a shit tide. More of a shit with nails in it storm. I remembered, as it was slipping away .. that I do have the capacity to mellow its effects - that is what all of this mindfulness stuff has taught me. When I remembered, then I saw it off far quicker than I otherwise might - there is power in not allowing myself go around and around in paranoia's wee garden.

I saw again too just how unattractive being an angrily depressed person is to others - friends slip out of the way of the flak - they have their own indulgences and don't need mine too. Thats the way it goes - punish people by, all of a sudden, not being what is expected and they slip away hurt and (some word I don't know to express selfishness thwarted).

Its unfortunate that I associate my own and other's depression as an indulgence, an unavoidable and totally unwanted one, but one nonetheless.

Friendship - well, some of what I have just said and some more. I don't have enough of the sort that I want and thats partly cos .... don't know .... I have crap boundaries. If I like people enough to lower my guard then I am exposed and, having been exposed I feel as bothered about what I say as I am bothered about being naked with my partner (not at all - in case thats not clear).

I want more than is probably reasonable. I fail to see that others maintain a boundary between friendship and lust - to me its all about fun and passion and intimacy. The only badness is the guilt that I feel (and this is only really over thoughts not actions - I am pretty damn well behaved in reality - sadly) in prediction of hurting people for things that I have not yet done.

I have precious few friends, precious friends. When I break one its like a cow loosing a leg... there is only so many legs a cow can loose before becoming something significantly less useful. I need to stop being a cow and start being a centipede - or perhaps a 25 legged cow. Mostly though the paranoia makes me think I have lost a leg - that my udders are going to drag in the mud - when actually I merely have a bit of a limp.

Where was I... think I've covered love and lust here too and failed to talk about friendship as I had intended. So, friendship. A friend (I hope - but I just never feel sure with this person) said to me about friends and texts - so many texts in times of need from people not heard from in ages. I didn't ask for more clarity at the time - I wonder now whether the point was along the lines of just how real are these friends who only pop up to participate in the highs and lows.

I wondered, self-indulgently (you should be so lucky!), how it was that more than 3 people should show any sign of giving a flying fuck! But really I do see the point even if I am certainly immune to the problem. Who needs dozens of well wishers who are only present by text?

Probably not me.... and thats brought me back again. Friends, if at all possible, they need to be together regularly otherwise the conversation and experience is not rejuvenating itself its just a collection of catching up on each others other (real) lives since last we met. I want to see my friends regularly - to hug them - kiss - laugh - argue etc.... be with the good and the bad but also the lame times too.

Indecision - well, that may have to wait for another day.

Pxxxx

On the ramblings of a fool

"Evening all" said the fool thinking that his voice carried around all of the world.

There are times when things change - the weather ... and probably some other things too.

My kids are supposed to be trying to get to sleep - that is not what they are actually doing though. What they really want to do is to chatter and giggle - I don't blame them for that but I do want them to have had enough sleep so that their brains work well enough tomorrow.

Enough ramblings of a fool.

A week or two my Great Aunt Phyl died - I went to the service for her cremation and it was as enjoyable as these things can be. Several of her nearest and dearest gave accounts of her life and how they had enjoyed being with her.

I had only met Great Auntie Phyl a few times. I sent her a letter once, she replied telling me that she was Phyl and to ditch the fancy title. I loved her for that - she lived up to the image that I have had of her. The accounts of her life matched the fleeting glimpses of that life that I had seen - Phyl was an excellent person - an atheist, socialist with a big heart and love flowing over for her family and friends.

Definitely not the sort of person who would ever want to be on a pedestal - but certainly an inspiration and a life to watch and be pleased that people like that crop up and brighten the day.

So good on you Phyl - you are only in the memory now of the people who's lives you have touched but a good person's influence lives on through those people and everyone they come across.

Be the fish. Px

Meetings

I met my friend John last week: actually, thats only partially true. I met my friend John when we were both about 9 years old. And, I met my friend John again last week - we have met on many other occasions.

I gave John a hint where to find this blog; so far it has hidden itself extremely well in the evil web that when I looked at my "hits" I saw that there was one - the first for weeks - last week I must assume that John, clever bugger, did indeed find it. Given my hit rate he (you...) may be my only reader.

That - audience - is not a problem: Rambling is a problem. Over hill and dale I trudge barely getting any closer to saying what I intend to say at some point in this blog. Oh, delayed at the blog by a bog while I rambled lonely as a cow looking for a distant tent.

Anyway. John found an address for me of another friend from way back when (when?) - but this is the address of a long-lost friend. One with whom I lost contact 20 or more years ago. John is a nasty, horrid, evil, journo (John, if you are reading this then obviously I am refering to another John altogether who has been, up to this point, not mentioned) and has access to info that allows him to track down lost people.

This friend, who will for now, perhaps forever, remain nameless lives further along the coast. I sent him a postcard, he'll get it today. I wonder if he will get in contact. I'll let you (and you John) know.

Also, another friend who was not entirely lost, but was nonetheless unfindable has made more contact than usual. Someone that I had a big falling out with - offering a cooling in relations. Something that always seems a good idea to me.

Who knows - 2008 - a year for finding the things that we lost but did not know we had - like a cow trying to find a tent that she did not know was hers to have. I have never seen a cow in a tent - odd, both are so commonly found in fields.

Take care love bunnies.

Pxxx