Tuesday blog

A week and a half.... I think I reached a point then. A deeply scary one.

Not been that manic before - though I've been close enough to know that its not where I would want to go.

I've just realised that I've gone full circle here, with this blog. My first post was about starting to take citalopram... and now I have stopped taking it.

Well - who knows what the trigger was, but not so long after stopping I was high as a ... kite, no. High as something far more unpleasant than a kite.

Oh - ain't it fun this manic stuff.. HAA HA and HEE HE. Yeah, a bit hyper is entertaining .... but not when its not wanted.

And that, fundamentally, is the point. What I have - depression - hypermanic - manic/mixed/whatever - none of them are welcome. I don't invite them in or tempt them with good reason.... "come on now depression my [mum - cat - sister  - car {delete as appropriate}] just died so make me feel like shit".

The fuckers come in, push "me" (me's) out and piss about in my head.

A good person heard what I had been saying and said that she had been learning about mental health and it seemed, to her, like a continuum - sanity and depression and mania at extremes. So, in that view we can slide from one end to the other and perhaps not stop that long in the middle.

Being in the state that I was in, genuinely without malice and also without any awareness, I told her that she was talking total crap. My experience was not sliding along a logical progression.

I had gone as far as I might normally and then fallen down an endless pit - dark panic pit. Fight fight fight for freedom - in the dark, in the silence and the screaming.

There was though a continuum back - a gentle return through to a fairly normal position.

Still, today, hyper but controlable.

Being mindful helped me back up - but not up from my knees. It was time that did that... and perhaps beer...

Be together folks, Pxx

Standing

I am watching a leaf fall

Brighton to London

Unwinding - mindful on a viaduct
Click - rock - beneath me and all that is between, yields stone and mortar
layers towering, cut stone, present
wind not felt in an instant of an instant
ballast, sleeper, clips and rail - holding steel on steel
motion caught violent and blades still
springs wood and metal fabric, skin body, soul
click an instant - a present infinitesimal instant - click