- "Oh, again" she says. I don't know what she means though - nothing has happened. Her words appear from nothingness.
Where have we been these days - talking about time, these days I mean more than I mean where. I always prefer to know when more than where, mostly. There have been times when I did'nt, mostly. But I don't know where that was.
"Once, once is all I can give you" I say - this may be a lie, but you think about it, how will we know?
Nothing has happened again and - "oh, again" say says. As if its the "again" that she wants more than the nothingness.
I cannot give you more of what we don't already have - once it was there, it was now and here. Not now though; gone again.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Infernal tram-nation
A one-way path - is not what separates us (journey not yet made). The divide between it and us is not linear in time nor dimension.
The limitation to our perception is not in front of us or behind - its inside. Everything is all about - dimensions, time, probability - now, and then.
We are all and everything is much more - more and less than infinity and obscurity.
As we race through space my time, your time, relative or not is dripping, drip, drip, drop.
Pick up the paper, wack the dog... its barking mad, again.
Pxxxx
The limitation to our perception is not in front of us or behind - its inside. Everything is all about - dimensions, time, probability - now, and then.
We are all and everything is much more - more and less than infinity and obscurity.
As we race through space my time, your time, relative or not is dripping, drip, drip, drop.
Pick up the paper, wack the dog... its barking mad, again.
Pxxxx
Friday, November 20, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Tuesday blog
A week and a half.... I think I reached a point then. A deeply scary one.
Not been that manic before - though I've been close enough to know that its not where I would want to go.
I've just realised that I've gone full circle here, with this blog. My first post was about starting to take citalopram... and now I have stopped taking it.
Well - who knows what the trigger was, but not so long after stopping I was high as a ... kite, no. High as something far more unpleasant than a kite.
Oh - ain't it fun this manic stuff.. HAA HA and HEE HE. Yeah, a bit hyper is entertaining .... but not when its not wanted.
And that, fundamentally, is the point. What I have - depression - hypermanic - manic/mixed/whatever - none of them are welcome. I don't invite them in or tempt them with good reason.... "come on now depression my [mum - cat - sister - car {delete as appropriate}] just died so make me feel like shit".
The fuckers come in, push "me" (me's) out and piss about in my head.
A good person heard what I had been saying and said that she had been learning about mental health and it seemed, to her, like a continuum - sanity and depression and mania at extremes. So, in that view we can slide from one end to the other and perhaps not stop that long in the middle.
Being in the state that I was in, genuinely without malice and also without any awareness, I told her that she was talking total crap. My experience was not sliding along a logical progression.
I had gone as far as I might normally and then fallen down an endless pit - dark panic pit. Fight fight fight for freedom - in the dark, in the silence and the screaming.
There was though a continuum back - a gentle return through to a fairly normal position.
Still, today, hyper but controlable.
Being mindful helped me back up - but not up from my knees. It was time that did that... and perhaps beer...
Be together folks, Pxx
Not been that manic before - though I've been close enough to know that its not where I would want to go.
I've just realised that I've gone full circle here, with this blog. My first post was about starting to take citalopram... and now I have stopped taking it.
Well - who knows what the trigger was, but not so long after stopping I was high as a ... kite, no. High as something far more unpleasant than a kite.
Oh - ain't it fun this manic stuff.. HAA HA and HEE HE. Yeah, a bit hyper is entertaining .... but not when its not wanted.
And that, fundamentally, is the point. What I have - depression - hypermanic - manic/mixed/whatever - none of them are welcome. I don't invite them in or tempt them with good reason.... "come on now depression my [mum - cat - sister - car {delete as appropriate}] just died so make me feel like shit".
The fuckers come in, push "me" (me's) out and piss about in my head.
A good person heard what I had been saying and said that she had been learning about mental health and it seemed, to her, like a continuum - sanity and depression and mania at extremes. So, in that view we can slide from one end to the other and perhaps not stop that long in the middle.
Being in the state that I was in, genuinely without malice and also without any awareness, I told her that she was talking total crap. My experience was not sliding along a logical progression.
I had gone as far as I might normally and then fallen down an endless pit - dark panic pit. Fight fight fight for freedom - in the dark, in the silence and the screaming.
There was though a continuum back - a gentle return through to a fairly normal position.
Still, today, hyper but controlable.
Being mindful helped me back up - but not up from my knees. It was time that did that... and perhaps beer...
Be together folks, Pxx
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
Brighton to London
Unwinding - mindful on a viaduct
Click - rock - beneath me and all that is between, yields stone and mortar
layers towering, cut stone, present
wind not felt in an instant of an instant
ballast, sleeper, clips and rail - holding steel on steel
motion caught violent and blades still
springs wood and metal fabric, skin body, soul
click an instant - a present infinitesimal instant - click
Click - rock - beneath me and all that is between, yields stone and mortar
layers towering, cut stone, present
wind not felt in an instant of an instant
ballast, sleeper, clips and rail - holding steel on steel
motion caught violent and blades still
springs wood and metal fabric, skin body, soul
click an instant - a present infinitesimal instant - click
Thursday, September 10, 2009
In a time ago and again
I thought that so much of the thought of death was abstract - well, I guess not really, but somehow remote.
Things happen to bring back from the past the future, the threats of can and may be. Love so lost, so torn - ripped from us - savage -
There are worse terrors - horrors that people do to each other that go beyond belief and tears. Any ripping away of life - ripping the leaves from the trees and the sun from our joy.
I miss you - I only know it when I see others trying to die - I love you - when I see young hearts crying - and that past, is now and is - is just life, its what happens.
Pxx
Things happen to bring back from the past the future, the threats of can and may be. Love so lost, so torn - ripped from us - savage -
There are worse terrors - horrors that people do to each other that go beyond belief and tears. Any ripping away of life - ripping the leaves from the trees and the sun from our joy.
I miss you - I only know it when I see others trying to die - I love you - when I see young hearts crying - and that past, is now and is - is just life, its what happens.
Pxx
Friday, August 21, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Time - its a threat and a scare and a picnic with the fucking PG-tip monkeys on speed with a bad attitude and axes.
I wondered if I had beaten time - thrashed it... but no, oh... no.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
The Lambs Are Silenced - We are all going to hell
The feet of four chickens beat upon my hot tin roof
They each played a balalaika
Their tapping feet and scratching claws were hard rain
The tune they scrapped was harsh - they knew their end
I love them, I tried to tell them so - but I did'nt speak
They each played a balalaika
Their tapping feet and scratching claws were hard rain
The tune they scrapped was harsh - they knew their end
I love them, I tried to tell them so - but I did'nt speak
Friday, July 10, 2009
Another day passes
And all the more glorious for it. Beginning to put things into beter perspective again - what I clearly need to do is get up the allotment and dug up spudz and get stung to buggery (where is buggery?) by nettles - as we know, I love them.
I found these lovely people in the woods - unfortunately I was only there in mono-chrome at the time, as were they.
I found these lovely people in the woods - unfortunately I was only there in mono-chrome at the time, as were they.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Breathe
Breathe because you can - not just because you feel that you should.
Don't breathe to please me or others - like your mother
Breathe because its a habit that you want - not an OCD fix or some such necessary-bob
But do remember to clean your teeth.
Don't breathe to please me or others - like your mother
Breathe because its a habit that you want - not an OCD fix or some such necessary-bob
But do remember to clean your teeth.
Today!!
Today I am determined - I've said so on Facebook so it must be true.
Today I am not going to let the things that have been getting to me get to me. I will send them packing with a repeated series of whatever-it-takes.
The things are - being
But I will shove the fuckers out!! I will breathing technique them away, punch them off my back, knife the nasty little shits in the throats and tear out their gizzards with specially trained squirrels.
If they are so vain that they think this song is about them - well, it is!! all of you who feel any guilt, you, like me, are the subjects of this song!!!! haaaaa haaaaa haaaaa!!!
Go demons, go.
Pxxxxx
Today I am not going to let the things that have been getting to me get to me. I will send them packing with a repeated series of whatever-it-takes.
The things are - being
- empty
- lonely
- lost
- ignored
- sadness at writing in the wind
- self-obsessed, and
- the other things
But I will shove the fuckers out!! I will breathing technique them away, punch them off my back, knife the nasty little shits in the throats and tear out their gizzards with specially trained squirrels.
If they are so vain that they think this song is about them - well, it is!! all of you who feel any guilt, you, like me, are the subjects of this song!!!! haaaaa haaaaa haaaaa!!!
Go demons, go.
Pxxxxx
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
My expecations
They are so many - and clearly my hopes too.
Hope springs eternal and is the source that flavours so much of my sadness. Hope, that spring of fresh glistening life that trickles away and leaves just so much mud.
Up on my heels - an anchor for strength. Strength needs hope and hope springs eternal and is the source that flavours so much of my sadness.
Mud and more sucking mud - but hope springs eternal, it is a stuck record, hope, hope, hope... without it there is nothing but all it brings is hope that springs eternal and flavours so much of my sadness.
Take a joy - watch it bloom in a milk-bottle filled with water - a full bottle will still be nearly full long after the joy is gone.
So - take this hand, please - oh, you have gone.. false expectations, I should know better but at least there is hope.
Hope springs eternal and is the source that flavours so much of my sadness. Hope, that spring of fresh glistening life that trickles away and leaves just so much mud.
Up on my heels - an anchor for strength. Strength needs hope and hope springs eternal and is the source that flavours so much of my sadness.
Mud and more sucking mud - but hope springs eternal, it is a stuck record, hope, hope, hope... without it there is nothing but all it brings is hope that springs eternal and flavours so much of my sadness.
Take a joy - watch it bloom in a milk-bottle filled with water - a full bottle will still be nearly full long after the joy is gone.
So - take this hand, please - oh, you have gone.. false expectations, I should know better but at least there is hope.
Where have you been my
porcupine mother?
Empty like a glass not half full
Bland - taste a spoon of flour
Kind like being ignored in the street
Lame - walking in shit shoes
Full like wanting to be sick - of you
Mouth-off - wishing for cool silence and only ever being able to say too much
Empty like a glass not half full
Bland - taste a spoon of flour
Kind like being ignored in the street
Lame - walking in shit shoes
Full like wanting to be sick - of you
Mouth-off - wishing for cool silence and only ever being able to say too much
After all this time and the blips in between
I learn new things all the time - mostly things that I have known for ages.
I know them, and they are wise. But I keep that wisdom in the back of my mind until just after the point when it would have been useful to have used it... I must remember that fact and try to use it in advance of its need...
Friendship, time keeping, love and lust, acute depression and indecision are all things that I have learnt things about these last few weeks.
They are all interconnected -obviously I would not seek to impose clarity by dealing with them one-by-one.
So, first one first - acute depression. I've had a bit of it recently; different to the chronic depression that slips in and out like dead bunny on a shit tide. More of a shit with nails in it storm. I remembered, as it was slipping away .. that I do have the capacity to mellow its effects - that is what all of this mindfulness stuff has taught me. When I remembered, then I saw it off far quicker than I otherwise might - there is power in not allowing myself go around and around in paranoia's wee garden.
I saw again too just how unattractive being an angrily depressed person is to others - friends slip out of the way of the flak - they have their own indulgences and don't need mine too. Thats the way it goes - punish people by, all of a sudden, not being what is expected and they slip away hurt and (some word I don't know to express selfishness thwarted).
Its unfortunate that I associate my own and other's depression as an indulgence, an unavoidable and totally unwanted one, but one nonetheless.
Friendship - well, some of what I have just said and some more. I don't have enough of the sort that I want and thats partly cos .... don't know .... I have crap boundaries. If I like people enough to lower my guard then I am exposed and, having been exposed I feel as bothered about what I say as I am bothered about being naked with my partner (not at all - in case thats not clear).
I want more than is probably reasonable. I fail to see that others maintain a boundary between friendship and lust - to me its all about fun and passion and intimacy. The only badness is the guilt that I feel (and this is only really over thoughts not actions - I am pretty damn well behaved in reality - sadly) in prediction of hurting people for things that I have not yet done.
I have precious few friends, precious friends. When I break one its like a cow loosing a leg... there is only so many legs a cow can loose before becoming something significantly less useful. I need to stop being a cow and start being a centipede - or perhaps a 25 legged cow. Mostly though the paranoia makes me think I have lost a leg - that my udders are going to drag in the mud - when actually I merely have a bit of a limp.
Where was I... think I've covered love and lust here too and failed to talk about friendship as I had intended. So, friendship. A friend (I hope - but I just never feel sure with this person) said to me about friends and texts - so many texts in times of need from people not heard from in ages. I didn't ask for more clarity at the time - I wonder now whether the point was along the lines of just how real are these friends who only pop up to participate in the highs and lows.
I wondered, self-indulgently (you should be so lucky!), how it was that more than 3 people should show any sign of giving a flying fuck! But really I do see the point even if I am certainly immune to the problem. Who needs dozens of well wishers who are only present by text?
Probably not me.... and thats brought me back again. Friends, if at all possible, they need to be together regularly otherwise the conversation and experience is not rejuvenating itself its just a collection of catching up on each others other (real) lives since last we met. I want to see my friends regularly - to hug them - kiss - laugh - argue etc.... be with the good and the bad but also the lame times too.
Indecision - well, that may have to wait for another day.
Pxxxx
I know them, and they are wise. But I keep that wisdom in the back of my mind until just after the point when it would have been useful to have used it... I must remember that fact and try to use it in advance of its need...
Friendship, time keeping, love and lust, acute depression and indecision are all things that I have learnt things about these last few weeks.
They are all interconnected -obviously I would not seek to impose clarity by dealing with them one-by-one.
So, first one first - acute depression. I've had a bit of it recently; different to the chronic depression that slips in and out like dead bunny on a shit tide. More of a shit with nails in it storm. I remembered, as it was slipping away .. that I do have the capacity to mellow its effects - that is what all of this mindfulness stuff has taught me. When I remembered, then I saw it off far quicker than I otherwise might - there is power in not allowing myself go around and around in paranoia's wee garden.
I saw again too just how unattractive being an angrily depressed person is to others - friends slip out of the way of the flak - they have their own indulgences and don't need mine too. Thats the way it goes - punish people by, all of a sudden, not being what is expected and they slip away hurt and (some word I don't know to express selfishness thwarted).
Its unfortunate that I associate my own and other's depression as an indulgence, an unavoidable and totally unwanted one, but one nonetheless.
Friendship - well, some of what I have just said and some more. I don't have enough of the sort that I want and thats partly cos .... don't know .... I have crap boundaries. If I like people enough to lower my guard then I am exposed and, having been exposed I feel as bothered about what I say as I am bothered about being naked with my partner (not at all - in case thats not clear).
I want more than is probably reasonable. I fail to see that others maintain a boundary between friendship and lust - to me its all about fun and passion and intimacy. The only badness is the guilt that I feel (and this is only really over thoughts not actions - I am pretty damn well behaved in reality - sadly) in prediction of hurting people for things that I have not yet done.
I have precious few friends, precious friends. When I break one its like a cow loosing a leg... there is only so many legs a cow can loose before becoming something significantly less useful. I need to stop being a cow and start being a centipede - or perhaps a 25 legged cow. Mostly though the paranoia makes me think I have lost a leg - that my udders are going to drag in the mud - when actually I merely have a bit of a limp.
Where was I... think I've covered love and lust here too and failed to talk about friendship as I had intended. So, friendship. A friend (I hope - but I just never feel sure with this person) said to me about friends and texts - so many texts in times of need from people not heard from in ages. I didn't ask for more clarity at the time - I wonder now whether the point was along the lines of just how real are these friends who only pop up to participate in the highs and lows.
I wondered, self-indulgently (you should be so lucky!), how it was that more than 3 people should show any sign of giving a flying fuck! But really I do see the point even if I am certainly immune to the problem. Who needs dozens of well wishers who are only present by text?
Probably not me.... and thats brought me back again. Friends, if at all possible, they need to be together regularly otherwise the conversation and experience is not rejuvenating itself its just a collection of catching up on each others other (real) lives since last we met. I want to see my friends regularly - to hug them - kiss - laugh - argue etc.... be with the good and the bad but also the lame times too.
Indecision - well, that may have to wait for another day.
Pxxxx
Monday, July 6, 2009
Bear
"Where is bear?"
"Bear? oh no!"
Bear - brown, button nose - lost on the tube.
Girl cries.
Mummy, quick in a loud whisper - "shit".
Bear
Hungry Bear, grisly temper, cruising the tube for meat.
"Bear? oh no!"
Bear - brown, button nose - lost on the tube.
Girl cries.
Mummy, quick in a loud whisper - "shit".
Bear
Hungry Bear, grisly temper, cruising the tube for meat.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Ups and downs
I've been about the town seeing whats about and its not nice. Not all of it - mostly its nice - well, mostly - some of it I like and some of it makes me sing.
I shouldnt sing, I sing badly. I love to sing I love to sin - I sin and sign and sing badly. My lip reading is shit too - I don't do it, ever, and when I do, I do it badly - never.
Did you know me when I sang - no, you didnt. Well I didnt sing, well I could - I could sing - I've told you that - I could sing loudly, badly, when I'm singing. When you heard me sing you didnt hear me sing - don't tell me you did - don't, not even if you did.
I shout Shout and shout - its better to sing Sing and sing - badly and not at all. Impossibly never and ever always after I didnt do it and I'm so glad, mostly, that you didnt hear me SHOUTING!!
You know when its inside me - no you don't how could you, you havent seen or heard me - I just do and then I don't and then its all over the place screaming Ag A Fukin DOOO
Shouting Lager Lager Lager 0 thats the only song I ever loved - other than all of the others I loved but mostly I loved to scream BOLLOCKS and then to sing gentle songs to babies who did not know - like you do not know - what it is that is inside until it comes outside and then you might wish it didnt as much as I do do cos when I hear it coming - starting to sing then I know that more is going to come until it stops and all that pours out is bad song, bad times, bad songs.
Px
I shouldnt sing, I sing badly. I love to sing I love to sin - I sin and sign and sing badly. My lip reading is shit too - I don't do it, ever, and when I do, I do it badly - never.
Did you know me when I sang - no, you didnt. Well I didnt sing, well I could - I could sing - I've told you that - I could sing loudly, badly, when I'm singing. When you heard me sing you didnt hear me sing - don't tell me you did - don't, not even if you did.
I shout Shout and shout - its better to sing Sing and sing - badly and not at all. Impossibly never and ever always after I didnt do it and I'm so glad, mostly, that you didnt hear me SHOUTING!!
You know when its inside me - no you don't how could you, you havent seen or heard me - I just do and then I don't and then its all over the place screaming Ag A Fukin DOOO
Shouting Lager Lager Lager 0 thats the only song I ever loved - other than all of the others I loved but mostly I loved to scream BOLLOCKS and then to sing gentle songs to babies who did not know - like you do not know - what it is that is inside until it comes outside and then you might wish it didnt as much as I do do cos when I hear it coming - starting to sing then I know that more is going to come until it stops and all that pours out is bad song, bad times, bad songs.
Px
Friday, June 26, 2009
The Serious Clown
The death of the serious clown - torn down from its pole, unsightly, like bird shit on a window
It didn't bring me joy, mirth, merriment
The serious clown was not interesting nor diverting
Fat - slow - not good reasons to enjoy its place near us in life
Not good reasons to enjoy its place near to us now, now that its dead
It did not have a sense of cool, sardonic, ironic, a suicide cool
Just a flat, fat, miserable blandness - lard, out-of-date, sitting on a shelf in a dead fridge
Could have fed the birds in the park
Could have collected stamps
Could have molested children
Could have smelt of piss
Could have - oh what, just who, just why - serious clown, I won't miss it now.
It didn't bring me joy, mirth, merriment
The serious clown was not interesting nor diverting
Fat - slow - not good reasons to enjoy its place near us in life
Not good reasons to enjoy its place near to us now, now that its dead
It did not have a sense of cool, sardonic, ironic, a suicide cool
Just a flat, fat, miserable blandness - lard, out-of-date, sitting on a shelf in a dead fridge
Could have fed the birds in the park
Could have collected stamps
Could have molested children
Could have smelt of piss
Could have - oh what, just who, just why - serious clown, I won't miss it now.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Aircraft - happy flights
A sensible comment on air traffic control - in response to concerns at work about different approaches to the issue of congested skies.
best to buy in an expert - bah...
who cares: let 'em fly their planes wherever they fancy - they have windows and headlights don't they? If the pilots could be bothered to stay sober they could look out and not crash into each other.
Give them a sat-nav and let them sort out where the passengers fancy going. Just fill up the plane and take a vote on the most popular destination... the majority will be sure to know the best places to go. In any case, what does it matter where they go, really, in the grand scheme of things what does it matter where we actually are, physically, during the poxy amount of time we are a conscious collection of bits of infinity on this planet spinning though time, space, probability.
All this regulation and government fiddling about - just let the fuckers do what they want.
best to buy in an expert - bah...
who cares: let 'em fly their planes wherever they fancy - they have windows and headlights don't they? If the pilots could be bothered to stay sober they could look out and not crash into each other.
Give them a sat-nav and let them sort out where the passengers fancy going. Just fill up the plane and take a vote on the most popular destination... the majority will be sure to know the best places to go. In any case, what does it matter where they go, really, in the grand scheme of things what does it matter where we actually are, physically, during the poxy amount of time we are a conscious collection of bits of infinity on this planet spinning though time, space, probability.
All this regulation and government fiddling about - just let the fuckers do what they want.
Mary Words
Words for you - my words today for you.
Joy, strength, laughter and love.
Words I know you by - just a small part of you, illustrated badly as my words do.
Words do not describe the dawn the sun and earth as well as just loving and being with you.
It is though good to write words for you where I know, for sure, you will not read them
Pxxx
Joy, strength, laughter and love.
Words I know you by - just a small part of you, illustrated badly as my words do.
Words do not describe the dawn the sun and earth as well as just loving and being with you.
It is though good to write words for you where I know, for sure, you will not read them
Pxxx
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Burnt
I burnt some bushes
words hooked up, snagged on thorns
they just burnt - thats what they do - no choice
Things happen that way in songs - some songs
the words come out - there is a scream-fire and they are gone
the cooling wind - it feeds the flames
Words tangled in the sticks - torn
fading on paper - signs of things we will not be instructed to do (we do what we like)
Voices calling and singing birds, in the burnt bushes
words hooked up, snagged on thorns
they just burnt - thats what they do - no choice
Things happen that way in songs - some songs
the words come out - there is a scream-fire and they are gone
the cooling wind - it feeds the flames
Words tangled in the sticks - torn
fading on paper - signs of things we will not be instructed to do (we do what we like)
Voices calling and singing birds, in the burnt bushes
Friday, May 8, 2009
Ohh - sodding pain, again
How you diddling?
I'm well pissed off with my back probs today as the pain from yesterday is worse if anything - took 4 attempts to sit down at the table earlier.... grrrrr. I can walk slowly in straight lines but have to stop to turn and I have to do it carefully or get agonising pain.
Tis a bummer. Worried that I may have torn something open inside.... but probably not, probably just the nerves being bastards as they mend - at least I hope thats what they are up to.
Interesting the Buddhist concept of mind and body being entirely one and not separate as we tend to think of them. Makes much more sense realising how the false sensations induced by my nerves can cause hallucinatory effects - I guess its cos they are wired into the brain, not the right parts but probably close enough.
The sensation of boiling water pouring down my leg and of open flames being applied brings tiny mental "dreams" of events that might really be associated with that happening.... easy to see how extreme pain might well drive some people mad.
Its just pissing me off - its not one of those things to go with and "pace" - I think thats running after a ball thats rolling down hill.
That all sounds a bit grim, sorry. Jolly at heart - I feel fine/well inside and I think thats part of the problem. If I actually felt ill then I'd be happy to sit about resting.... but I want to get out and to bounce about.
Take care, work like the devil, take no shit and take no prisoners!!!! Love and a sound kick.
I'm well pissed off with my back probs today as the pain from yesterday is worse if anything - took 4 attempts to sit down at the table earlier.... grrrrr. I can walk slowly in straight lines but have to stop to turn and I have to do it carefully or get agonising pain.
Tis a bummer. Worried that I may have torn something open inside.... but probably not, probably just the nerves being bastards as they mend - at least I hope thats what they are up to.
Interesting the Buddhist concept of mind and body being entirely one and not separate as we tend to think of them. Makes much more sense realising how the false sensations induced by my nerves can cause hallucinatory effects - I guess its cos they are wired into the brain, not the right parts but probably close enough.
The sensation of boiling water pouring down my leg and of open flames being applied brings tiny mental "dreams" of events that might really be associated with that happening.... easy to see how extreme pain might well drive some people mad.
Its just pissing me off - its not one of those things to go with and "pace" - I think thats running after a ball thats rolling down hill.
That all sounds a bit grim, sorry. Jolly at heart - I feel fine/well inside and I think thats part of the problem. If I actually felt ill then I'd be happy to sit about resting.... but I want to get out and to bounce about.
Take care, work like the devil, take no shit and take no prisoners!!!! Love and a sound kick.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Neural connections
Hi some thought and experiences generated by a friends very vivid memory and by their saying "no, I think he is describing a journey" when I struggled to describe thought/visualisation.
The experience I have - that I just touch on - as my thoughts become more visual (also auditory, tactile and whatever the fancy word is smelling - NLP, cant keep it in my head ) is actually like that in a trip, more LSD than a day at the sea. Its also like what I think is called wakeful dreaming - a state just before sleep or just before waking when my conscious mind is able to influence the very vivid thoughts that are present in my dream state. Influence... well slightly and to a greater extent than I could with practise .... too much will and I snap out of it, too little and I slip back fully into sleep.
Anyway - they said, about the image, something about where we have images within us ( I suppose others might think from without us ) that are brought together to form something so vivid and beautiful.
A perception I have from wakeful dreaming and other experiences is that we have a phenomenal supply of images. Laid down as we experience new and repeated experiences - praps linked to the creation or maintenance of neural connections.
In some way the images may form some sort of library stock - being brought together to help generate perceptions of what might be - in the future or in terms of how we think about alternatives options.
Thought - in "words" - may be a short cut to the whole image (remember, including sound, touch, smell etc.). Its easier to use this sort of short cut most of the time - it does not take as much computing time and, like words themselves, thoughts can be taken to equate to symbols. Like symbols they can be arranged in linear orders to form greater meaning and sentences.... communication. Something it took me longer than most to do as a child - I never understood the point of words when "reality", (at least) 4 dimensional, and in glorious technicolour, was so much more useful... but then I spent more time looking at trees and clouds than communication.
I wonder whether we "learn" (acquire perhaps) the tendency to replace raw image with worded thought and then become less able to access that raw information - except perhaps in dream or, perhaps, in other states of mind.
An experience of taking LSD is that it stops the filtering of information for relevance. For eg. normally we don't notice the carpet beneath our feet. With acid you see the carpet (with hallucinations too to entertain and baffle) but at the same time every thought/knowledge/etc that has ever been associated with carpet is accessed in true colour, sight, smell and sound.
I wonder (I do a fair bit of that) whether, in meditation, there is something in the way that we allow thought and experience to enter and play around in the mind that tends too to allow access to the more vivid, deeper, true (non-symbolic), store of mind.
Praps in conditions like altzimers where there is damage to the neural connections access to information stored as symbols/thoughts is restricted - as the words or thoughts fail to come the context ceases to have meaning. I think its a common experience for people to "find" a thought or memory at some other time - I wonder whether the brain continues to try to process unfinished searches for information and finds that the images that it wants for one process are still accessible attached to another memory and associates them together - sometimes the associations are very accurate and others are more bizarre.
It makes sense then to keep laying down images - to notice life in a mindful way. Praps this is the way we see/perceive new events - they make an impression, create new connections or support existing ones. If, as it seems so many of us tend to do, we do few things mindfully then praps we are not making new neural connections - we feed what we see into the existing script and do not notice anything new... like the fact that its a new day, song, smile, touch etc.
So, being, seeing, touching, mindfully - its a way of feeding our raw data, the splendid soup.
That was a long one. And, needles to say, a fairly manic one.
On identifying triggers for depressive states - its far easier to do for manic states. The examples people give some times seem too broad; as if they were not really accessing, or getting the need to, the tipping points - the little things that make all the difference.
Take care, Px
The experience I have - that I just touch on - as my thoughts become more visual (also auditory, tactile and whatever the fancy word is smelling - NLP, cant keep it in my head ) is actually like that in a trip, more LSD than a day at the sea. Its also like what I think is called wakeful dreaming - a state just before sleep or just before waking when my conscious mind is able to influence the very vivid thoughts that are present in my dream state. Influence... well slightly and to a greater extent than I could with practise .... too much will and I snap out of it, too little and I slip back fully into sleep.
Anyway - they said, about the image, something about where we have images within us ( I suppose others might think from without us ) that are brought together to form something so vivid and beautiful.
A perception I have from wakeful dreaming and other experiences is that we have a phenomenal supply of images. Laid down as we experience new and repeated experiences - praps linked to the creation or maintenance of neural connections.
In some way the images may form some sort of library stock - being brought together to help generate perceptions of what might be - in the future or in terms of how we think about alternatives options.
Thought - in "words" - may be a short cut to the whole image (remember, including sound, touch, smell etc.). Its easier to use this sort of short cut most of the time - it does not take as much computing time and, like words themselves, thoughts can be taken to equate to symbols. Like symbols they can be arranged in linear orders to form greater meaning and sentences.... communication. Something it took me longer than most to do as a child - I never understood the point of words when "reality", (at least) 4 dimensional, and in glorious technicolour, was so much more useful... but then I spent more time looking at trees and clouds than communication.
I wonder whether we "learn" (acquire perhaps) the tendency to replace raw image with worded thought and then become less able to access that raw information - except perhaps in dream or, perhaps, in other states of mind.
An experience of taking LSD is that it stops the filtering of information for relevance. For eg. normally we don't notice the carpet beneath our feet. With acid you see the carpet (with hallucinations too to entertain and baffle) but at the same time every thought/knowledge/etc that has ever been associated with carpet is accessed in true colour, sight, smell and sound.
I wonder (I do a fair bit of that) whether, in meditation, there is something in the way that we allow thought and experience to enter and play around in the mind that tends too to allow access to the more vivid, deeper, true (non-symbolic), store of mind.
Praps in conditions like altzimers where there is damage to the neural connections access to information stored as symbols/thoughts is restricted - as the words or thoughts fail to come the context ceases to have meaning. I think its a common experience for people to "find" a thought or memory at some other time - I wonder whether the brain continues to try to process unfinished searches for information and finds that the images that it wants for one process are still accessible attached to another memory and associates them together - sometimes the associations are very accurate and others are more bizarre.
It makes sense then to keep laying down images - to notice life in a mindful way. Praps this is the way we see/perceive new events - they make an impression, create new connections or support existing ones. If, as it seems so many of us tend to do, we do few things mindfully then praps we are not making new neural connections - we feed what we see into the existing script and do not notice anything new... like the fact that its a new day, song, smile, touch etc.
So, being, seeing, touching, mindfully - its a way of feeding our raw data, the splendid soup.
That was a long one. And, needles to say, a fairly manic one.
On identifying triggers for depressive states - its far easier to do for manic states. The examples people give some times seem too broad; as if they were not really accessing, or getting the need to, the tipping points - the little things that make all the difference.
Take care, Px
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
The extraordinary paranoia of nothing
Having written something, and knowing how few people read what I write, I don't know why I should feel paranoid never to receive a reaction - I wonder why that is.
Pxxxxxxxx
Pxxxxxxxx
Monday, March 16, 2009
Nothing
Nothing never hurt me - no, only nothing ever hurt me,
The choice is to do, or to do nothing - to stop, to die.
Nothing is in the spaces in between life.
But, life appears in the nothing like bubbles carried on time and possibility.
Nothing generates life; nothing, is a fluid, a glorious soup.
Life takes life; nothing does not take life.
Nothing is where we all return, it is our whole, our make-up.
The choice is to do, or to do nothing - to stop, to die.
Nothing is in the spaces in between life.
But, life appears in the nothing like bubbles carried on time and possibility.
Nothing generates life; nothing, is a fluid, a glorious soup.
Life takes life; nothing does not take life.
Nothing is where we all return, it is our whole, our make-up.
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