Time - its a threat and a scare and a picnic with the fucking PG-tip monkeys on speed with a bad attitude and axes.

I wondered if I had beaten time - thrashed it... but no, oh... no.

The Lambs Are Silenced - We are all going to hell

The feet of four chickens beat upon my hot tin roof


They each played a balalaika


Their tapping feet and scratching claws were hard rain


The tune they scrapped was harsh - they knew their end


I love them, I tried to tell them so - but I did'nt speak

Another day passes

And all the more glorious for it. Beginning to put things into beter perspective again - what I clearly need to do is get up the allotment and dug up spudz and get stung to buggery (where is buggery?) by nettles - as we know, I love them.

I found these lovely people in the woods - unfortunately I was only there in mono-chrome at the time, as were they.

Breathe

Breathe because you can - not just because you feel that you should.
Don't breathe to please me or others - like your mother
Breathe because its a habit that you want - not an OCD fix or some such necessary-bob
But do remember to clean your teeth.

Today!!

Today I am determined - I've said so on Facebook so it must be true.

Today I am not going to let the things that have been getting to me get to me. I will send them packing with a repeated series of whatever-it-takes.

The things are - being

• empty
• lonely
• lost
• ignored
• sadness at writing in the wind
• self-obsessed, and
• the other things

anyway, none of them are even going to come into my mind.... actually, they probably will.

But I will shove the fuckers out!! I will breathing technique them away, punch them off my back, knife the nasty little shits in the throats and tear out their gizzards with specially trained squirrels.

If they are so vain that they think this song is about them - well, it is!! all of you who feel any guilt, you, like me, are the subjects of this song!!!! haaaaa haaaaa haaaaa!!!

Go demons, go.

Pxxxxx

My expecations

They are so many - and clearly my hopes too.

Hope springs eternal and is the source that flavours so much of my sadness. Hope, that spring of fresh glistening life that trickles away and leaves just so much mud.

Up on my heels - an anchor for strength. Strength needs hope and hope springs eternal and is the source that flavours so much of my sadness.

Mud and more sucking mud - but hope springs eternal, it is a stuck record, hope, hope, hope... without it there is nothing but all it brings is hope that springs eternal and flavours so much of my sadness.

Take a joy - watch it bloom in a milk-bottle filled with water - a full bottle will still be nearly full long after the joy is gone.

So - take this hand, please - oh, you have gone.. false expectations, I should know better but at least there is hope.

Where have you been my

porcupine mother?

Empty like a glass not half full
Bland - taste a spoon of flour

Kind like being ignored in the street
Lame - walking in shit shoes

Full like wanting to be sick - of you
Mouth-off - wishing for cool silence and only ever being able to say too much

After all this time and the blips in between

I learn new things all the time - mostly things that I have known for ages.

I know them, and they are wise. But I keep that wisdom in the back of my mind until just after the point when it would have been useful to have used it... I must remember that fact and try to use it in advance of its need...

Friendship, time keeping, love and lust, acute depression and indecision are all things that I have learnt things about these last few weeks.

They are all interconnected -obviously I would not seek to impose clarity by dealing with them one-by-one.

So, first one first - acute depression. I've had a bit of it recently; different to the chronic depression that slips in and out like dead bunny on a shit tide. More of a shit with nails in it storm. I remembered, as it was slipping away .. that I do have the capacity to mellow its effects - that is what all of this mindfulness stuff has taught me. When I remembered, then I saw it off far quicker than I otherwise might - there is power in not allowing myself go around and around in paranoia's wee garden.

I saw again too just how unattractive being an angrily depressed person is to others - friends slip out of the way of the flak - they have their own indulgences and don't need mine too. Thats the way it goes - punish people by, all of a sudden, not being what is expected and they slip away hurt and (some word I don't know to express selfishness thwarted).

Its unfortunate that I associate my own and other's depression as an indulgence, an unavoidable and totally unwanted one, but one nonetheless.

Friendship - well, some of what I have just said and some more. I don't have enough of the sort that I want and thats partly cos .... don't know .... I have crap boundaries. If I like people enough to lower my guard then I am exposed and, having been exposed I feel as bothered about what I say as I am bothered about being naked with my partner (not at all - in case thats not clear).

I want more than is probably reasonable. I fail to see that others maintain a boundary between friendship and lust - to me its all about fun and passion and intimacy. The only badness is the guilt that I feel (and this is only really over thoughts not actions - I am pretty damn well behaved in reality - sadly) in prediction of hurting people for things that I have not yet done.

I have precious few friends, precious friends. When I break one its like a cow loosing a leg... there is only so many legs a cow can loose before becoming something significantly less useful. I need to stop being a cow and start being a centipede - or perhaps a 25 legged cow. Mostly though the paranoia makes me think I have lost a leg - that my udders are going to drag in the mud - when actually I merely have a bit of a limp.

Where was I... think I've covered love and lust here too and failed to talk about friendship as I had intended. So, friendship. A friend (I hope - but I just never feel sure with this person) said to me about friends and texts - so many texts in times of need from people not heard from in ages. I didn't ask for more clarity at the time - I wonder now whether the point was along the lines of just how real are these friends who only pop up to participate in the highs and lows.

I wondered, self-indulgently (you should be so lucky!), how it was that more than 3 people should show any sign of giving a flying fuck! But really I do see the point even if I am certainly immune to the problem. Who needs dozens of well wishers who are only present by text?

Probably not me.... and thats brought me back again. Friends, if at all possible, they need to be together regularly otherwise the conversation and experience is not rejuvenating itself its just a collection of catching up on each others other (real) lives since last we met. I want to see my friends regularly - to hug them - kiss - laugh - argue etc.... be with the good and the bad but also the lame times too.

Indecision - well, that may have to wait for another day.

Pxxxx

Bear

"Where is bear?"

"Bear? oh no!"

Bear - brown, button nose - lost on the tube.

Girl cries.

Mummy, quick in a loud whisper - "shit".

Bear

Hungry Bear, grisly temper, cruising the tube for meat.