Thursdays - and playing with italics

- "Oh, again" she says. I don't know what she means though - nothing has happened. Her words appear from nothingness.


Where have we been these days - talking about time, these days I mean more than I mean where. I always prefer to know when more than where, mostly. There have been times when I did'nt, mostly. But I don't know where that was.


"Once, once is all I can give you" I say - this may be a lie, but you think about it, how will we know?

Nothing has happened again and - "oh, again" say says. As if its the "again" that she wants more than the nothingness.

I cannot give you more of what we don't already have - once it was there, it was now and here. Not now though; gone again.

Infernal tram-nation

A one-way path - is not what separates us (journey not yet made). The divide between it and us is not linear in time nor dimension.

The limitation to our perception is not in front of us or behind - its inside. Everything is all about - dimensions, time, probability - now, and then.

We are all and everything is much more - more and less than infinity and obscurity.

As we race through space my time, your time, relative or not is dripping, drip, drip, drop.

Pick up the paper, wack the dog... its barking mad, again.

Pxxxx

Spelling

I hate this now - the sods have taken off the spell check... grrrr.

Tuesday blog

A week and a half.... I think I reached a point then. A deeply scary one.

Not been that manic before - though I've been close enough to know that its not where I would want to go.

I've just realised that I've gone full circle here, with this blog. My first post was about starting to take citalopram... and now I have stopped taking it.

Well - who knows what the trigger was, but not so long after stopping I was high as a ... kite, no. High as something far more unpleasant than a kite.

Oh - ain't it fun this manic stuff.. HAA HA and HEE HE. Yeah, a bit hyper is entertaining .... but not when its not wanted.

And that, fundamentally, is the point. What I have - depression - hypermanic - manic/mixed/whatever - none of them are welcome. I don't invite them in or tempt them with good reason.... "come on now depression my [mum - cat - sister  - car {delete as appropriate}] just died so make me feel like shit".

The fuckers come in, push "me" (me's) out and piss about in my head.

A good person heard what I had been saying and said that she had been learning about mental health and it seemed, to her, like a continuum - sanity and depression and mania at extremes. So, in that view we can slide from one end to the other and perhaps not stop that long in the middle.

Being in the state that I was in, genuinely without malice and also without any awareness, I told her that she was talking total crap. My experience was not sliding along a logical progression.

I had gone as far as I might normally and then fallen down an endless pit - dark panic pit. Fight fight fight for freedom - in the dark, in the silence and the screaming.

There was though a continuum back - a gentle return through to a fairly normal position.

Still, today, hyper but controlable.

Being mindful helped me back up - but not up from my knees. It was time that did that... and perhaps beer...

Be together folks, Pxx

Standing

I am watching a leaf fall