My Shit

As I sat, old, dumped, crying so hard on what was our bed, moving my shit into my dark room.
I'd only wanted space to breathe too, like you are not taking.
And I write this not wanting to let on about this screaming pain just because its proof to you of me valueless, once good, rejected - I can hardly see for the tears.
And still, still thinking I should save you the pain.
No, I'm in too much pain and its pain we both made and the only person I can turn to is the person that is pushing me away.
And the harder I try the worse I make it, always and inevitably, that's it really isn't it, old toys, junked things never come back.
Trash.
Tears by your bed in the dust. 
I just wanted to do some yoga in the light but thats not mine.
Space has a value and it not mine.
Naked, old, crying why the fuck would you do anything but hear me push myself further away.

You can think that its a come down, me - you, arranging deck chairs on a sinking ship
I'm in just so much agony bottling it up because of endless space, stupid, love.
Just trying to protect you from that but I can't now. Broken.
Its just pouring out.
Love, I know that, its just so much pain.
I'm stripping my shit from your room.
If I could I'd burn down the house,
drown myself in the rain not just move my shit about crying.

I'm scrubbing the downstairs bathroom, moving my shit.
The pain I have needs saying, I'm fed up with holding it in, its not just protecting you, its protecting my family, my home, my joy, my love, my heart.
For once, you, stupid, cruel, selfish, just think it is not your space, your freedom, its a choice to have and to be a family.
To share, to join, to be human.
A new thing. whatever that thing might be will cover it up, paste over the cracks.
Perhaps I should never have spared you the pain, its here to share.

1 Jan 1999 "O" "Cerne Abbas & Giant"
30 Sept ***(no symbol for hearts, the *s are stars) JACK BORN 1.30pm (more hearts and stars).
Your diary, my life.
Hearts and stars you can't cut them in two, they have to be shared or they die.