Today - I was tired. How did I get here; a journey through sleeplessness from yesterday to today. I put the world to rights. Organised work. Entered a dream I had not seen before and contemplated citrolopram.
Would the drug moderate my thoughts - lift the lows, smooth the panic. Turn me bland.
Well, as I mentioned to my boses when I started on this course of drugs a couple of weeks ago "I've been down this route before - no big deal". I have been dragged out on this road before.
Amitriptaline, Sertraline, Dophiapine and now Citrolopram. Sanity comes and goes - actually, depression, thats not insanity just nasty, self-soul-death. The manicness and the panic - that feels like insanity.
The first time I realised that the miserableness I had was more than just a dip, a low, was in 1986. Back, back in the mists of time through curtains and curtains of drink and drugs. I don't think it scared me then - I just wanted a release and I had enough sense to know that the doctor would have some sort of release for me.
It was though a release through ultimate blandness - flat, dead, empty moods. And empty pointless life of beer, telly and noodles - getting fatter and smellier but simply no longer caring about it.
It was after that - once I'd got over it that I became scared of getting bad again. I began to cherish the sanity now; now that I knew what it was like to have lost it.
So - 1995 I lost it again and fell into a hole of depression again - a desire only to drown in the river Lea followed closely by a desire to drink and take as much dope and speed as possible. So I went back to the doctor and got some sertraline and bounced about like a fucking stupid monkey climbing up the walls of nothing.
Mania - tears a my muscles, sucks the oxygen from my blood, speads my head, shouts my thoughts, speaks and whispers and shouts all manner of thoughts - confuses. So, back to the doctor and then to a psychatrist and on to dophiapine as well as sertraline - to calm the madness.
And there I was again - flat, tired, calm.
And I got over it - passed it by. I spend the next 10 years finding ways to keep myself busy and happy... mainly busy. Keep the evil away from my idle hands.
But now, again, even with so much to do - or probably because of too much to do and no power over my situation here I am again - actually I do have power, I just don't feel able to exert it - perhaps thats what it is.... I'll think about that one.
So now I feel crippled with depression but now it comes after the mania heralds the way - a cavalcade of 10,000 tuneless trumpeters, hopping, jumping. Down my street - pied-pipers of insanity, pulling me out of the house and pressing me in to the service of so many sinking ships.
So, today - I'll end this story here.
No comments:
Post a Comment